Olivia
by CaptainWithAPickle
Summary: Olivia. Is the story of Olivia Benson told through the eyes of her estranged daughter (my character). It looks into the childhood abuse Olivia sustained, Serena's rape and how it moulded Olivia into the woman and detective she is today.
1. Prologue

**Olivia**

**By CaptainWithAPickle**

**PROLOGUE**

_Where does ones life begin? When you're born? From your first step, first word? When you finally become independent, get a job, fall in love? All of our stories start at different points, all of our triumphs and failures mould us into the people we become. Others take their past as an excuse to become a failure; others use it to become stronger and to turn into the person no one believed they would become. My story is a bit like this, so many people spent their lives trying to break me and turn me into someone they believed I should become, instead of the person I wanted to become._

_Why am I telling you this? To set you up for a story filled with heartache and pain. One that should have been filled with love and happiness. One you would have believed was a good story looking at the beautiful woman she has become today._

_No, this is not my story I am going to tell you, even though the two are intertwined. Instead I will tell you the story of the strongest, most intelligent, most beautiful person I have met in my life, the woman I spent my whole life hating. This is my mother's story._

_Be aware this story is heartbreaking and unbelievably unforgiving. Its one you won't believe could exist and one you wished didn't. Olivia Benson grew up in an abusive household, even though she strived to be someone her mother could be proud of. The brunette beauty was a scholar, class president, and a beauty queen. She also grew up to be one of the best sex crime detectives in New York City. Although her life now seems one full of happiness and success, its one she shaped on her own. Its not one she is proud of but it is one she has used to help those who need her, because no one was there when she needed them._

_Olivia's mother was an alcoholic, who died when she was drunk, falling down a flight of stairs. Her father in 1968 raped her mother getting her pregnant. Serena, saw her rapist in Olivia's eyes, and sometimes couldn't stand the sight of her own beautiful daughter. Olivia has felt alone all her life. _

_Now don't get me wrong, this story is a painful one but also one that is uplifting, proving that beyond all odds there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Listening to me talk about this woman may have you confused on why I hated her so much. Well it was a misunderstanding as she gave me up when I was four, where I was bounced around from one abusive foster home to the next, not understanding why she didn't want me. I did not understand my mother or where she came from, or even her reasons behind letting me go, but after you here her story like me, you will forgive her, understand her and love her. As all she has ever wanted is to have a family, and to be loved unconditionally by someone who sees all her scars and knows all her secrets but loves her anyway. Isn't that what we all want, and what a few of us have taken for granted. _

_Yes, I want to tell you my story, but in order for you to understand mine; I must tell you hers; as we are linked not only by name and blood, but by history. Even though for 17 years I did not know who she was, our stories have run along the same paths, never meeting or crossing each other, but forever intertwined. _


	2. Rape

**Olivia**

**By CaptainWithAPickle**

**CHAPTER ONE**

_2nd April 1968, 8pm._

It's a dark night, chilly; the wind whipping at Serena's coat as she wraps it further around her body. She had just finished a late night of work at Hudson University Campus; she knows she shouldn't be walking home this late at night alone, but what is the harm in one night.

Serena can hear footsteps slowly creeping up behind her as she slowly makes her way home; as she turns she finds nothing but the cold uninviting shadows of the buildings looming over her. An old empty plastic bag floats silently past; reminding her she is all alone.

The footsteps grow closer with each passing minute; she picks up her pace hoping it's all in her head. Then a strong pair of muscular arms closes around her. One secured tightly around her waist, the other over her mouth muffling her screams. Serena's eyes wide as her body goes into shock, hoping that she will at least make it out alive. The 6'2" man drags her practically limp body into the nearest alleyway, and slams her face first into a brick wall, bruising her jaw.

"Don't scream, don't move." He orders, as Serena feels his hand move slowly up her thigh, pulling up the hem of her knee length dress. His rough stubby fingers slide into her panties and graze her slightly as he yanks them down till they settle around her ankles.

He places her hands, palm down on the brick wall as he uses one of his arms to lift her slightly off the ground. Serena's heels fall off her feet and clatter on the ground. A lonesome tear slips from her eye to settle on her cheek, before descending to her mouth. She closes her eyes tightly and tries to block out the world around her.

A poem rings true in her ears, one her mother used to read to her on cold dark nights like tonight. Not a poem of light, but of one that holds a caged bird longing to be free. One verse seems to fit how she feels in this moment, and she remembers how when she was younger she would ask her mother how anyone could ever feel like that.

Now she knows.

"_**But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams  
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream  
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied  
so he opens his throat to sing" (1)**_

As he slides inside her, she can feel her insides tighten as they unwilling compensate for his size. He moves hard and fast as her face grates across the brick in front of her. His ragged breath and hushed moans echo in her ears as she suffers in silence. As he continues to force himself inside her, she can feel her insides falling apart as her brain registers the abuse being carried out on her body.

Then as if eternity has passed, he finally releases himself inside her. She can feel it between her thighs, and feel it dripping down her leg. He bends to pull her panties back into place and smoothes her hair to one side, placing a soft kiss on the side of her neck. All of a sudden he lets go and is gone. Serena feels her knees buckle and her body go limp as she slides down the wall in a heap. Bringing her hands to her face she sobs into the night until she manages to push the pain away, and move on.

_Olivia was conceived on that cold dark night on the 2nd of April 1968. Her mother's body unwillingly gave way to her presence. The only time Olivia was ever protected by her mother was in that nine months while she grew into a child her mother would struggle to love. Her life started rough and unfair, and only continued throughout the rest of her life. She didn't know it, but she would spend her childhood watching her mother fall apart, and Olivia would try and piece her back together._

_3rd April 1968, 12pm._

Serena stayed in her bed all day, silently starring at the wall which contained nothing but a wooden framed mirror. She starred at her lost form in the mirror, searching her own eyes for the soul she had lost.

She had gone to the police station that morning, told them everything, gave as much of a description as she could come up with given the circumstances. They had told her to go home and get some rest and that they would call her if they found any leads. It had been four hours since she had gotten home and no call. She wasn't surprised, deep down she knew, they would never call.

So here she was no longer cold, no longer tired, no longer anything but lost. She hadn't even managed to change or pull back her comforter to get into bed. Serena managed to pull her eyes away from her own sunken face, and spy the bottle sticking out from under her bed. She grabbed the bottle of whiskey and without grabbing a glass pulled the bottle to her lips.

_She didn't know she was pregnant, not that it would have made a difference. She was hurting and wanting to make the pain go away. This was the beginning of Serena's downfall that only escalated when Olivia was born. She found solace at the bottom of the bottle that day and everyday since then. _


	3. Abuse

**Olivia**

**By CaptainWithAPickle**

**CHAPTER TWO**

_23 January 1973, 2pm _

It's Olivia's birthday she's four and Serena is still in bed recovering from the night before. Not that you would know it was the kids birthday, their two bedroom apartment is silent apart from the quite hum of the television and the occasional crunch from whatever Olivia is munching on. The poor kid probably doesn't even know it's her birthday, but Serena is too hung over to try and make an effort.

At 2.30pm she manages to pull herself out of bed and slink into the shower. Once the whole bathroom is filled with steam, she extracts herself from the warm spray, dries and pulls on some sweats before heading to the living room. She finds her four year old daughter with her nose buried in one of her old poetry books, pretending to read its content. Olivia's beautiful brown hair dipping into her bowl of cereal as she tries to multitask; and all Serena can think about while starring into her picture perfect world, is that her daughter is going to spill her cereal all over her poetry book.

As if on cue Olivia leans forward into the book and knocks her knee on her bowl of cereal, sending its contents across the pages. Unfortunately for Olivia the book she has chosen to ruin was the last book Serena's mother gave her before she kicked her out.

In that split second the day changed. Serena's rage over took her and she no longer saw her innocent daughter trying to clean up her mess with an apologetic and scared look upon her face; but instead her rapist who attacked that day nearly 5 years prior. She grabs Olivia's hair pulling her back and away from the book, as Olivia screams Serena grabs her teddy bear and swings it multiple times hitting her daughter in the face. Serena calms herself down once she realises her daughter has stopped screaming. Tears and blood staining Olivia's face; a small gash above Olivia's right eye has blood trickling down her cheek.

She eyes her daughter scared and shaken, then just lets her go. She watches as Olivia removes herself from the living room to cry silently in her bedroom. Serena picks up her book, still open to the page Olivia was so interested in and her heart sinks. The poem 'If' by Rudyard Kipling is starring back at her and one verse just catches her eye.

"_**If you can keep your head when all about you  
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;  
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,  
But make allowance for their doubting too:  
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,  
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,  
Or being hated don't give way to hating,  
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;" (2)**_

_That was not the first time Serena had abused her daughter and definitely not the last. Olivia learnt to have a thick skin and too take whatever her mother dished out with little or no argument. Everything was always Olivia's fault even the things she couldn't help, but she quickly learnt to distance herself when her mother spoke of such awful unthinkable things._

_3rd September 1974, 8.34am_

Olivia walks through the school gates alone, on her first day. She's dressed in her favourite pale pink lace dress with the white bow at the back.

Her cardigan and dress cover the bruises she sustained after her beating the night before. The white tights on her legs cover her mother's bruised handprints, from when she held her upside down and shook her. Olivia's new black shoes scuffed with a bow missing, are the only visible reminders of her beating last night, they are also the cause.

Olivia had known better the day before and had worn her new school shoes to Jimmy's birthday party in the park. Serena had told her they would get ruined; but Olivia was too stubborn. When Serena found the shoes strategically hidden under Olivia's bed she lost the plot. Olivia went to bed black and blue and she whimpered throughout the night.

_Serena never once checked on her daughter that night, to make sure her injuries weren't too damaging, she didn't quite frankly care. Tough love she had called it, before she had returned to finish the freshly opened bottle of bourbon. One of Olivia's ankles were fracture but nobody ever knew, Olivia only found out in her 20's when her ankle had been bothering her during her morning runs. It needed to be pinned._


	4. Flashback I

**Olivia**

**By CaptainWithAPickle**

**CHAPTER THREE**

_14th September 2012, 9pm_

Olivia stands on the doorstep of a mother who she believes is abusing her 9 year old daughter. The night is cold and the wind nips at her neck, blowing her brown curls behind her. She knocks on the door, which opens to reveal the mother standing in her robe, cigarette in one hand and blood shot eyes. The smell of booze reeks off the woman and finds itself settling in Olivia's nose.

Then the scared little girl standing at the bottom of the stairs catches Olivia's eye. The look in little Sophia's eyes is one of fear and acceptance, this is her life and it's never going to change. The girl looks from her mother to Olivia trying to understand the situation, and whether or not its one she can control.

Olivia stands in the doorway and crouches to see the girl better, and what she finds is something she wishes she could change. The girl's soul is long gone; it's replaced by the will and fight to carry on, the only other place she has seen this is in her own eyes when she stares in the mirror. They're survivors, both of them. This look frightens her and takes her back to that day when that officer walked away.

_18th July 1977, 8pm_

_By the time Olivia was 8 years old she had learnt nearly all of the places her mother would hide her alcohol. She had started pouring it down the toilet when her mother wasn't looking, only to find the consequence of being caught much greater than the punishments she sustained while her mother was under the influence. That night of the 18th of July 1977, Serena almost killed her daughter. It also changed they way Olivia looked at the woman blindly raising her, she no longer saw the broken woman she believed her mother to be, instead she saw a woman filled with rage and violence towards the only person who truly loved her._

The flush of the toilet echoes around the quite apartment, Olivia listens out for any movement from her mother as she drops the empty vodka bottle on the bathroom tiles. Her fingers close around the neck of the half empty bourbon bottle; she brings the bottle to her nose and sniffs. She can feel its scent burning the inside of her nose and all the way down her throat. She wonders how her mother can stand this stuff. As Olivia starts to pour the auburn liquid down the toilet, the bathroom door swings wide open.

Her mother is in a drunken daze, and Olivia realises she forgot to lock the door. The only sound heard throughout the house is the constant slosh of the bourbon hitting the toilet water. Olivia's eyes narrow as she tries to anticipate her mother's reaction. She has no where to go as she is trapped between the bathroom door, her mother and the toilet.

Serena looks down on her 8 year old daughter with a haze covered stare. The empty bottle of vodka on the tiles, the bottle of bourbon in her daughter's hand, the flush of the toilet around 5 minutes earlier. She finally pieces it all together. Why she has been running out of booze so quickly, why Olivia is always found coming out of the bathroom when she wakes up in the afternoon. The haze in her eyes clears and all she sees before a sheet of red covers her eyes, is the fear written all over Olivia's face.

In a split second the white tiled bathroom is covered in blood, Olivia crying as her mother rips her t-shirt from her body. She removes Olivia's belt and holds it steadily in her hand as her daughter cowers in the corner of the bathroom.

"Don't scream, don't move." Serena recites the same words her rapist used with her to keep her vulnerable and scared. She smoothes Olivia's palms against the white porcelain bath tub, and takes a few steps back. Serena raises her right hand above her head and in one swift motion brings the belt down on Olivia's bare back. The sound of a whip cracking splits the air and is only covered by Olivia's screams as she is beaten by her mother.

The multiple whipping sounds radiate out of the open bathroom window and into the living room of the neighbours next door; concerned for the child's safety they phone the police. Once Olivia's back is ripped raw from the belt, Serena turns her over. Staring into the eyes of her child she removes the stilettos she feel asleep in; and brings one down hard onto Olivia's ribcage. On the third hit the crack of Olivia's ribs echoes throughout the bathroom, and her piercing scream stretches out to anything or anyone within ear shot.


	5. Flashback II

**Olivia**

**By CaptainWithAPickle**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

_18th July 1977, 8.45pm_

Serena goes to bring the shoe down onto her daughters head when there is a loud banging on the front door. Ignoring the initial sound, she zeros in on her daughter, then the voice of the officer outside sounds through. "Ma'am open the door this is the police, we are here concerning a possible account of domestic violence."

_That was the first time Olivia has ever see blood in her mother's eyes. She was scared for her life that night. She had picked herself up off the bathroom floor and retreated to her bedroom on her mothers orders, and only reluctantly came out when her mother was told by the officer to produce her child. Everything went pear shaped from then and Olivia lost all faith and trust in people on that night._

_18th July 1977, 9pm_

Standing at the bottom of the stairs, trance like, Olivia stares into the eyes of the officer questioning her mother. The smell of booze is so strong she has to fight the urge to cover her nose. Although the mix of alcohol in the air is not the usual, her mother only drinks hard spirits but the smell of her mothers bourbon is mixed in with the scent of cigarettes and something else Olivia does not recognise. She watches as the officer slightly slurs while talking to her mother and the slight hope that he is there to save her disappears.

She is too far back to hear the conversation between the man and her mother but she registers the fear as it flashes into the young officer's eyes. A smirk crosses Serena's face as she realises she has the upper hand. The officer's eyes drop to Olivia as he slowly backs down her front steps, she in that moment literally feels her heart fall apart and her soul vanishes from her body. She is no longer a child, but a survivor who is going to have to continue to fight for her life. The one thing that hurts the most is that Olivia's life and future rests in the hands of a woman who is supposed to protect her, but has decided to destroy her.

_Olivia saw him walk out that door and away from her, just to save his own career that night. She also saw him in her mind every night since then, when her mother beat her nearly to death. Olivia cried herself to sleep from the time she was 8 years old up and until she was 18 and she finally left her mother behind. She didn't know why her mother hated her so much, but once she found out, even she couldn't stand her own reflection in the mirror._

_14th September 2012, 9.15pm_

Olivia stares into the woman's eyes and sees the rage her mother had in her eyes when ever she had done something wrong. Without thinking Olivia pushes past the woman despite her arguing and yelling, and picks up little Sophia as she stands shell shocked at the bottom of the stairs. The little girl shakes in Olivia's arms as the pain, from what Olivia suspects as a beating, rakes throughout her small frame. She holds the girl tight to her body as her mother claws at the poor girl, she uses all her strength to keep hold of the girl and not lash out at her disgrace of a mother.

Olivia is doing what that cop should have done for her nearly 35 years earlier. She knows what will happen to that girl and she has to give her a fight chance, because nobody gave her one. She assures herself all the way to child services that she was thinking of Sophia and not herself when she removed her from her home, but she can't help but think she did it for the wrong reasons. Yes she knew what was going on and yes she knew the child would continue to be abused, but who would she have become if that officer had taken her away. Would she be as strong, as driven as she is now? Has she messed Sophia's life up by removing her from the one person who will tell her the truth and show her the cruelty that is life?

_Olivia did sleep that night or the night after that. She kept second guessing her instincts and rather than believe she was doing her job, she felt like she was protecting herself. Olivia has built her career on her past experiences, and it has helped her to relate to victims, but sometimes it has gotten in the way of her life and the way of innocent victims. _


	6. The Truth

**Olivia**

**By CaptainWithAPickle**

**CHAPTER FIVE**

"_**Truth will never die**_

_**It is patiently waiting**_

_**To come out one day**_

_**To be seen by all of us"**_ _**(3)**_

_14th February 1981, 6pm_

Olivia stands in the kitchen as she makes herself a sandwich for dinner, as usual. At 12 years old she has learnt to fend for herself. She makes dinner, does the dishes, the laundry and picks up after her mother.

While she is feeding herself, Serena sits on the couch nursing a glass of whiskey and watching her favourite soap, oblivious to the existence of her pre-teen daughter.

Olivia hums to herself while she assembles her sandwich, which is dangerous for her as it allows her mind to wander onto other things. Like that stupid old poem book her mother never lets her read, it kind of makes her curious. She turns around to face the shelves behind her, most empty, no cook books, no candles, only a few bottles of wine stacked in the rack which her mother never touches unless she is desperate.

Scanning the shelves Olivia spots the faded brown leather bound book poking out of a cubby hole just above the wine rack. Peering around the corner, checking to make sure her mother is still engrossed in her show; she starts to climb the bench.

She is inches from the book as she stretches her arm out, she knocks it from its hiding spot and it noisily crashes to the floor. Olivia freezes awaiting any movement from her mother, when there is none she slowly climbs down from the bench, to retrieve the book. During its fall the book feel open scattering some paper across the tiles.

Olivia bends down to retrieve the papers and return them to their home within the books cover, when the heading on one of the pieces catches her eye.

**SEXUAL ASSAULT REPORT MANHATTAN POLICE DEPARTMENT**

**DATE: 2nd April 1968**

**VICTIMS NAME: Serena Benson**

She unfolds the document and continues to scan its contents.

**DETAILS OF CRIME: The above victim was pulled from the street into an alleyway on Park Avenue at around 8.15pm. She was shoved face first into a brick wall by a male. He did not wear a condom, and victim has not sustained any injuries other than the bruise on her jaw from being shoved into the brick wall. Victim did not see the perpetrator's face and therefore description below is vague.**

**DESCRIPTION OF PERPETRATOR: around 6' 2", white male around 230 pounds. He was wearing dark jeans, a gray hoodie, and black converse.**

Olivia's eyes widen as the piece beneath is her birth certificate.

**BIRTH CERTIFICATE**

**Olivia Benson**

**DOB: 23 January 1969**

**MOTHER: Serena Benson FATHER:**

Her mother always told her she had a father, who just wasn't ready for a child and that she had accidently gotten pregnant and so he ran away from them. Yet the space on her birth certificate where her fathers name should be is blank.

Olivia storms into the living room documents in hand, she stands in front of the television and watches as her mothers eyes narrow.  
"What are you doing Olivia?" a warning tone in her voice, but for once Olivia's not afraid she needs answers and she's not leaving until she gets them.

"Explain these to me mom." She throws the documents at her mother. Serena picks them up from her feet and skims over the report, and birth certificate she's holding. Her eyes level with her daughters and she can feel the unshed tears building behind tired eyes.

"I don't know what to tell you." Serena's voice shakes as she tries to reason with her daughter.

"How about the truth this time." Olivia's eyes shine in the light, because of the tears she too is holding back.

"Okay. On the 2nd of April in 68 I was walking home from work when a man pulled me into an alleyway and raped me. I found out 6 weeks later I was pregnant with you. Your grandmother threw me out of the house and told me to look after myself from then on." Serena sighs when she finishes and stares into Olivia's eyes. Olivia can't speak and the silence between them is deafening. Olivia lets a few tears spill over onto her cheeks as she stares at the woman she has misjudged all her life.

"I'm sorry mom" she sobs, Serena motions for her daughter to join her on the couch, she holds her while she cries.

"It's okay sweet; I have you and that's all that matters." For the first time Serena is sincere and glad she is not alone.

"Why did he do that to you?" Olivia questions as she tries to make sense of the cruelty her mother endured.

"I don't know, I just don't know." Serena lets her own tears fall as she holds her daughter, the most important thing in her life.

_They sat for hours sobbing and talking as mother and daughter, for the first time since Olivia was born. That night the dynamic changed between them, although her mother continued to drink, and would abuse Olivia on occasion they had more of an understanding, and got on more times than not. Olivia at that point was oblivious to the life changing effect finding out the truth that night had on her future. The truth she was told shaped who she became and turned her into one of the best detectives in her unit. Her mother would spend her last year trying to convince her to transfer out, but Olivia, unbeknownst to Serena, was doing it for her._

"_**When truth is spoken**_

_**There angels surround**_

_**And bless the soul**_

_**That fights for truth" (3)**_


End file.
